Things that I Really Did Not Want to Know

Philadelphia police are looking for a scofflaw they call the Swiss Cheese Masturbator:

The cops are looking for him, and now a Philadelphia Magazine writer may have actually tracked down the man who's been exposing himself in front of "a number" of Philadelphia women and asking them to jerk him off with a slice of swiss cheese.

According to reports, the overweight cheese aficionado likes to drive up next to women in parking lots, show them his genitals, and then offer them money to masturbate him with a slice of swiss. Other Philadelphia women have reported receiving similar messages from him on dating sites like OKCupid.

I should have taken the blue pill.