Selections from America's Finest News Source

The Onion on the inauguration:

• ‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address
• Trump Calms Nerves Before Inaugural Address By Reminding Himself He’s The Only Person Who Actually Exists
• Justice Roberts Stops In Middle Of Oath Of Office To Remind Audience This Just His Job
• Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House
• Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency
• Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

I'm not sure if the Biden one or the drone one is the best.